i cannot stand so many things right now.

my father asks me if i’ll need help
moving in my new apartment
i don’t know, maybe,
i don’t know when,
i’ll text him, i tell him
if it’s on a weekend alright
if it isn’t, he can’t take off work,
so i’ll be fine, right

we haven’t spoken in a year
in a God-still-has-not-forsaken-me-though
i read the book of Job
when i read the bible
when i read
i read the part where Job, in his anger,
did not sin
even in his anger

my good friend tried to kiss me
even though he has a girlfriend
he’s going to marry one day
he’s going to forget the night
i put my hands on his face, drunk,
my hands, his face, drunk,
and i said no, no, no, i like her,
you love her

the last time i let someone kiss me
he called me the next afternoon
met me at a coffee shop,
talked about the missing piece
that meant we shouldn’t see each other
it’s been six months, about,
he has a house
and he asked me last night
if i would help him decorate

i do not understand much of anything
do not feel understood
just feel
a lot
and wait
for i don’t know



sometimes my desire to “just write” is outweighed by my desire to not write melodramatic crap




i have looked for it
for twenty-three years

i have sought it in poems
and books and films

i have sought it in palms
and mouths and the gentle
curves of men’s necks

the subtle rise of a
sleeping man’s chest
the quiet simmer of
his breath

i touched it once,
or at the least
i thought i did

it left no mark on my finger
and i cannot feel it anymore

i have written about it
i have sung about it
i have felt exhausted
and ached at the thought of it

i have tired of trying
to make it out it in the eyes
of handsome strangers

and i have tired of trying
to mold it out of scattered bits
of unrequited affection

and while my journey’s far from done
i have come to this conclusion:

that when my journey is done
and i find it, and i’m there

i will make my home sweet
by my damn self

when i ask myself why
i am more vulnerable with
strangers and people
i do not know well yet
i do not hear an answer
just my heartbeat
in response

singing in the park was great.
seeing that movie was nice.
but i really just want to dance
in a dark room for an hour;
i have all this tension and it’s
going to tidal wave me.

coarseheart replied to your post: addicted to this song at the moment. 3…

Wow. No supporting music and you still managed to sound incredible.

wow, thank you!