yesterday i went to a wedding. the pastor talked about “but God”— how now matter what happened in this couples time in marriage, they had to know that they could look at each other, look at situations and say “but God” and have the faith that God would create good, would create light, would supply hope and strength. i reread my last post from last week… at the end, the whole “but… God, y’know?”… that struck me now. it’s scriptural, ephesians 2:1-7:

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

i was dead in sin, but God was rich in mercy. i doubt, but God wills. i fail, but God prevails. i weep, but God comforts. i want, but God provides. i grow tired, but God renews. i fall down, but God uplifts. i disobey, but God gives grace and gentle correction. i am not good enough, but God loves me, entirely.

i could have been depressed by the wedding; the fact that i’m not in a relationship at the moment— that that part of my life is all mixed up like the washing machine… instead, i found myself re-evaluating a lot. i’ve never been to a wedding so God-centered, before. tons of scripture and… y’know part of me wondered if the non-christians there felt really uncomfortable, but it didn’t seem like anyone was twitching or convulsing over it. if faith in God is important— not just important but critical— defining— in my life… that should be reflected in who i choose to pursue relationship with. and the way my wedding would look. i couldn’t have a wedding like the one i went to yesterday without a husband who could appreciate all of those scriptural elements— and believe them and want them himself.

i realized i’ve been so focused on how i could bring God to a guy’s attention, i’ve forgotten how important it is to have someone bring God to my attention… that’s really important.

the thing that sucks the most to me is that this isn’t some huge revelation— i’ve thought about these things in the past, in bits and pieces— i just never let them sink in because they’re hard thoughts to think, and even harder things to implement into life. it means that things are going to change— between me and people. it means letting some people go a little further from me, and allowing some people in to previously protected spaces. it means vulnerability and boldness. it also means more prayer. and trust. faith. hope.

but i’ll do it… because God is worth it. because God is worthy. because i can’t do anything right, without Him, anyway.