when it’s my turn to talk
what if people knew
the words that stumble through my mind
between the words i speak,
the words that lose their way and
the words that shudder, stammer, stop,
trip and fall down flat,
what if i make no sense
what if one person knew my
highs, my lows,
what if they listed them
i pride myself in loving others
through their dirt
but i’m quiet
when it’s my turn to tell
if i do not know what to say on the telephone
i’ve never really had the chance to talk
i thought i’d been built to be seen and listen
showing barely any teeth at all
i want to give you my words
but not the sad words and
not the ones you can see yourself in
if i write words just for you
make them lovely just for you
make them only for you
i wonder if it’s counterfeit somehow
or if it’s simply considerate
like i want it to be
i missed that moment of sky right after sunset
and now outside the window it is rich, thick, heavy blue
almost inside-of-my-eyelids dark.
today he texted twenty times, i think.
we had a conversation
consisting of sporadic updates:
what we’d eaten, seen and
i think we even disagreed
for the first time.
it was alright.
i think i like him.
i’m anticipating disappointment.
there, i’ve said it.
now it’s said.
i felt bright today.
twenty separate times and
then much more than that.
i don’t know what happened.
i closed my eyes
for a moment
people care too much about how other people look.
like, the person i want next to me in my wedding photos,
if i ever have wedding photos,
i don’t want it to be like, look at them smiling,
oh he looks so good next to her or she looks so good
next to him
i want it to be like, look at them! they look downright silly!
because i want to be laughing my ass off because
right then, just before the photographer pressed his finger down
and right before the shutter shuttered,
my husband leaned over and said the most wonderful thing,
not you’re so beautiful,
not i can’t wait for the honeymoon,
but something that’s only funny to us,
from our first date or that one time after we watched that one movie,
i’m saying the person i want next to me in photos,
is the person who makes me feel like every moment
of my whole life
is worth capturing.
i have flaws too, i tell him
i have flaws and you will find them
in the quiet
soft like dark
blue tender bruises
for your fingers to find
so when you find them
just have grace okay?
just be kind
do i have too much faith in everyone?
am i immature, naive?
or am i brave, am i sincere,
do i see myself a sinner too.
so understanding faith in anyone
is a gift
that if accepted, i ought to gladly give.
i’m trying to think about how to write about anger
and i’m coming up short
maybe later the poignant words
will meet me
where i am and point me
where i ought to go
anger oughtn’t be stored
a thoughtful man told me
it does not keep well
it envelops like vines
over time engulfing buildings
except it isn’t beautiful
it isn’t beautiful
i have a tender heart
a tendency of making everything beautiful
maybe later, what anger will tell me
It all piles up
Like dirty laundry
A heavy day upon another
A day, a night, a morning brings
A weight too thick some days
To see beyond
I’ll see beyond
I have before
if you won’t love me
you’ll love my words
you’ll read them and love them
you’ll read them and want more
you’ll read them and feel them
you’ll read them and feel me
and that will be